Rough 2017

Damn, I will say that I was glad to see 2017, go!!!   And I will be satisfied with the fact that the bitch that did this to me in a very “ below the waist” type manner!! She was up and sprinting  to my passenger door , proceeded To open my door jump in my car.  I think it angers her that I still have a car!!!    What kinda Logic is that?  I protected myself for she had blinded me and I was still away belted in. FAKE ASS BITCHES!!   THEY DONT EVEN WEAR REAL HAIR!!!!

2pac was the shit!

My life at 45…

I awaken in the morning in the dark cool air. I’m warm. Did I mean to leave the a/c off? As I try to sit up I’m met to grapple with gravity. I’m standing up fast so as to get to my feet in as little pain possible. I stand up. The pain in my feet, burning, starts to radiate and become worse as I start to try to walk to the bathroom. My knees are clicking as I walk. They begin to start painfully bending as I walk. Searing pain in my feet. I cry out as my back starts to wrench itself upright completely. Knees are hurting badly. They are starting to already feel weak for the day, and as if they’d been giving out my entire life. I search the dimly lit room, as my eyes crying start to stream tears. The stress from any and all pain, from which I suffer? Is unbearably awful.

After I leave the rest room, which is a race to relieve bladder pressure, (unbelievable) I stumble, limping and groaning into the kitchen to quench my horrible thirst for anything that is refreshing and cold. Ahh a grapefruit soda, ice cold. I snatch a lemon and cream Chobani out of the fridge and stumble around the cat, stopping to greet her and give her pets. She will look around and sometimes follow me to the couch. I throw on something comfortable. I try to avoid a bra… it pulls on my neck terribly. My neck, is now like a solid block of concrete. I had a grown man work on it last night… as hard as he could. It felt great. But scary cause he said most men couldnt take that. I sit and wonder how my red hair has any part in this pain disease.

They say I have fibromyalgia. I’ve had it a long time. The doctors have done the MRIs. I have three bulging discs in my neck. And three in lower back. There are many other things that are not good in those test findings. Such as, I have disc degenerative disease. I bought a sleep number bed and the adjustable base on my own line of credit. I knew my feet had been badly damaged and deformed. But the extent to which they aren’t ok? Makes me break into tears every time I try to trim them. They don’t grow straight. I’ve had ingrowns removed from the base of my nail bed and still have grown back bigger than before and terribly painful. I suspect that the intense amount of walking I had to do to survive? Has all but ruined them. They are shot out, in insane pain 24/7… 365.

My body is shook with nerve damage and nerve trauma. I most likely have to go to a neurologist to make sure that’s what going on with my feet.

It’s hard to get up everyday. The world doesn’t owe you any favors. So be grateful for what you all have. My family doesn’t want to know what I go through. It’s too much for them to handle. So I get no physical help from any of them. I get minimal financial help from family as the government now had to step up to pay for disability. I wish I could work like a “normal” person, perhaps my mother wouldn’t think I’m such a loser, or perhaps lazy, sometimes she looks at me like I’m faking it. Or, I receive verbal tongue lashings for not being braver and stronger.

Now? My father doesn’t want to own up to his word…. I cannot get the basic essentials that every woman / human needs. For some reason he doesn’t think I’m entitled to that. Maybe he’s right. But when you have been brought up that good grades are ALL that matters? You start to not care if your parents don’t love you for not being perfect. And then there’s always the decisions ones make. Mine are sometimes impulsive, never wreckless, and most likely intentionally done. Never agreed with.

I think that my clinical depression is goin to get me one day. Or my anxiety or CPTSD, and more. How much stress can one stand from the world? From the earth? Then … there’s the family, that’s supposed to love you unconditionally and be there as promised. But now that they’re throwing shit at you? With no support or lack of love? Yea, good luck.

You’d think this pandemic would have had a deeper effect on us. Or carpe diem! But now? Everyone’s nerves are going nuts! And no one I know is doing very well right now. I’m on edge, and so are others. Why try to make life harder on your kid, especially when she’s struggling so badly just to sit up in the morning. To try and tackle the day. So this place I’m at in my life? Is completely over any scope of reality I ever thought I’d have to endure. I hate every minute of condescension and ridicule. I’m allowed to hate, it’s healthy to have strong emotions. I just wish at 45 ? I wasn’t in so much emotional and physical unrest and tortured by pain every minute.

Being the black sheep isn’t easy.

N.S.

P.S. the black sheep up there? is a product made by Funko. 🙂

My favorite

Hey it’s 3:32. Just checking in. I thought I’d see what you were up to? I’m sitting here… with my fav thing… my fav toy 🧸 as a child. She is my best friend … aside from Ruby. I have a stuffed bee 🐝 that I was tugging on my grandmas shirt to have. We were in a Kodak photo kiosk in Long Beach somewhere near where she lived with grandpa. ( if I have my way I’ll own that house one day ) I don’t want to move out of state. It’s such a quiet and lovely place to live. I know she was finally happy there… at least I think. Anyway I was tugging on her to please see the bee…that I wanted. All of a sudden it was important to me to have her. I guess grandma noticed something different that day. Maybe she realized my mom and dad were divorcing, maybe she just loved me, but it was unlike her to just buy me anything. I knew even at that age… the age of 3, she didn’t have tons of cash. But yet I either handed it to her or pointed insistently. Either way. Here is my favorite childhood toy. She is 41 years old… that
I know of. She came everywhere with me on trips, to travel, and on overnights to friends houses. She came camping with me and my grandparents a few times. And when I had to go to kindergarten I started to leave her in the safety of the house. She had already gotten orange paint on her head from coming with me to nursery school. Years later when staying at my dads place on the weekends she’d keep me company and reminded me of how much my grandma meant…cause the relationship between me and my dad, was that I feared him. Any early memories of my dad are mostly him hollering or yelling. I thought all men must be that way. And I learned to not be so trusting. And grew sad that my father was too busy being angry at people. A lot of pictures of me are with bee. She brought me so much comfort. Just like my grandmother did. And my mom did, for like years 1 through 3. So here she is….I’ll try to update with more photos.

Bee

Why Mariah Carey makes me cry…

When I listen to Mariah Carey’s #1 to Infinity album, my heart soars. Not only does it bring back memories of when she first came out and became a household name, but also of my childhood. We’d never heard any one sing in “whistle tones” as they’re now called. She was IT! No one could sing like her…I still think no one can.

Fast forward about 30 years, I’m sure I blogged about it here in 2015? I’m guessing. My friend Susan and I drove to Vegas to see Mariah Carey Live at the Ceasars Palace coloseum. It was originally built to house the great Celine Dion, but was now part time home to Mariah Carey.

Not only could she still hit the notes, she sang songs about heartache, life, love, and just sometimes having fun. But her voice on the albums was so mesmerizing as a kid, I couldn’t believe I was going to view it Live!

“Honey”, “Heartbreaker”, and “Touch My Body” are fun and fabulous! But “My All” and “One Sweet Day” are just enough to make anyone person with feelings cry. They are sung with such great emotion, and ooze her personality, of a sexy yet carefree woman, who knows what she wants!

“Infinity” has a different tone, of a woman hurt, but moving on. And thats how I will always remember her; no matter what comes her way she overcomes, and still prevails. Bravo! Until Covid is over, I feel lost without my concerts to go to!

Live music is essential as our heartbeat.

Til Infinity!

N.S.

Soon to be October…

There’s a lot going on

Too much to talk about

I miss your face

I miss the cool breeze of nighttime

I can’t wait till winter

I can’t wait to drive again

Listening to music , like always

Moving soon, a lot to be done.

And then there’s this!^^^^

Drama is so unhealthy.

Can’t wait for Adele 2021!

Concerts here I come!

“That I would be good,” by Alanis Morissette

That I Would Be Good”

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
~ Alanis Morissette

 

Lonesome nights…

The air is cool and the sky is darkened by the hour.

The moon is the only light by which to see.

Where are you my love?  Don’t you know that I miss you?

Don’t you know I’ve been hurt by every person I know?

You know my family threw me away, for they did to you as well.

Can’t you just make an exception one time?

Silence

No response.  I am left to ponder the future.

Infinitely.

You opened a door, that then fell off the hinges.

You can’t close it easily.

Each night is preceded by pink clouds and the eventual dark sky.

Contrary to most beliefs not all black represents evil.

Its a mere adjustment that I’ve struggled with.

The night and the darkness.

The being alone.  Solitary.

 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Love those around you…

Well its April and the Corona Virus is still alive and well.  But things seems to be calming down.  Maybe that’s because I haven’t been watching the television at all.  I got so tired of it.  I heard that Kim Jun -On (I think that’s how you spell it) died from complications on the operating table during a heart procedure.  Not one person knew today about it, that i have talked to.

I feel clear minded and full of energy.  No where to go, and not much to do.  Except music which can actually take up the entire day, believe it or not.  The heat of the Summer has already stricken the San Fernando Valley.  It was in the nineties this week!  UGH!  I hate the summer time.  My father has agreed to help me get a room Air Conditioner for the bedroom in my apartment.  YAY!  I can sleep in peace soon.

My best friend is severely depressed, and won’t answer the phone.  I know she’s ok cause I bugged her to text me, almost too much.  She finally did.  I know she must be bummed that she can’t go anywhere.  I’m used to it.

So now, we have to hold out that everything will be ok soon.  Whatever that means.

So for now its the piano, my voice, the guitar and cello.

Love each other a little more, the world needs it.

 

 

N.S.

Stressed out…

I’m stressed out. I have so many things on my mind today. Coronavirus, and hearing so much about it in one day is making my head spin. I’m worried that I won’t be able to get simple things like toilet paper. But it seems to be a valid issue at this point. NBA has suspended all games. And the president finally acknowledged that we may actually be in a serious position. For the president ?? He sure is slow on the uptake to say the very least.  I expected nothing more. I’m not worried about hand sanitizer, but I also don’t like not being able to clean my home with Clorox wipes. Or any disinfectant wipes at all. Ralph’s is sold out. I can’t get them anywhere else as of now. Ugh. I’m not feeling 100% myself. But I’m sure I’m fine. So here I sit worried. I feel like my grandma. She practically worried herself to death, and I think it’s a bad emotion to have. It’s stressful, and there’s not much I can do about any of these things. Or anything else in my life.  I’m angry and rightfully so. But anger is another wasted emotion, so I’ve been told.  Wish the pandemic would come to a screeching halt but I doubt that that’s going to happen any time soon.  So I shall write about anything that comes to mind.  I’m angry ( I know wasted emotion) that I don’t have cable. I can’t stream anything without it being constantly interrupted.  That’s freaking annoying.  Can’t even make it 10 minutes tonight without a show going out.  Grrrrrrrrr.
So I’m supposed to see a movie on the 24th. We’ll see if that stays in place. I’m going to see “A Quiet Place 2.”  It looks just as good if not better than the first one. If you haven’t seen it?? It’s truly terrifying.  Not like real life scenarios or anything. But it’s still, sit on the edge of your seat, scary.  The trailer for the second movie looks even more scary.   The first movie takes place on day 89 of a group of beings that have landed ( somehow ) on the planet. And the second movie will backtrack to day one. This should be frightening as everything was crazy,  I’m sure, that first day.  Not sure what else is in store. Except for the same creepy monsters stalking people.  Anyone who makes a sound is a soon to be victim.
I guess there’s far more things to worry about than a pandemic. Lol.  We could have been take over by some huge sound sensitive beasts.  Then what would Trump do?   Ha! He couldn’t talk; he’d have been a quick victim.  On second thought, maybe this real life situation doesn’t sound so bad.
I’m just tired of everything. But things change slowly, I’ll just have to get used to hearing about the virus I guess. So much for St. Patty’s day!!!  What a bummer year.     It seems to be filled with tragedies so far. I for one am sick of the news.  I shall try to avoid it again for a short while. I guess. Stay healthy!

Snow tha Product impresses.

So I have a new artist I really like. She’s in the hip hop genre of music. And yes hip hop is definitely a “craft” as Eminem calls it. It’s a skill, almost a science.  I watched a show called Crook’s Corner this morning. It’s an hour long, and the artist known as Crooked I, takes different artists and interviews them for an hour. So Eminem was on this time around.  What a smart, funny, bright, intelligent and humble man Eminem is!  I knew he was not a bragger, but his humbling experience is one to definitely watch. If you can catch the interview on YouTube… I highly recommend it.
So now I have an artist that was introduced to me about a year ago.  And as a female she had a lot to work for in the rap game to make it.  She goes by the name Snow tha Product. And her music is inspiring to say the least. She’s bold, beautiful and not afraid to be herself , which I love.  She also has been on Crook’s Corner for an interview.  She is fascinating. I highly recommend both the interviews when you have some free time.
To wrap this up I also read today that Adele will be releasing a new album in September!!! Yay!  I can’t wait but I guess I’ll have to. Everyone enjoy the interviews and songs!

Before

2/23/20

Before

Why don’t you write my name anymore?

You only write your own now.

Is this how its going to end?

I promise we can work this out.

 

Why don’t you want to be close anymore?

I get it. I pushed your ass out way too many times before.

I get it. I’ve said things I can’t take back but will.

I know I hurt you, I’m sorry; but I love you still!

 

Chorus:

I want you like the way it was before,

I want you everyday, like tons and more.

I miss your face when you’re not here,

Please say you love me, and still hold me dear.

 

Why can’t we ever hang out together?

Why can’t we be one, and stop fighting?

Why are the only answers I get are like “never?”

To everything I ever wanted with you?

Chorus:

I want you like the way it was before,

I want you everyday, like tons and more.

I miss your face when you’re not here,

Please say you love me, and still hold me dear.

 

I want you like the way it was before;

When we lived at Dad’s, had a car, and couldn’t get enough of one another?

Why’d it all change?

So fast, everything went, and now I fear we won’t ever find our way back to the road which we’re meant.

Repeat chorus… fade